Today someone asked me to make a decision.
Yes or no? No more wavering, talking, thinking, discussing. Yes or no.
Ah. Uncomfortable!The pressure of it. What do I really want?
The discomfort helped me cut through my crap and see what it was that I was afraid of.
But the real issue was buried and waiting much deeper.
It is only after a whole day’s artwork that I realize what it is that I have been doing all these years. I can feel it deep down in my bones, the movement between action and doubt, deciding and wavering, swaying between yes and no, over and over again. The movement between taking action and right away sabotaging myself. Back and forth.
Not wanting to let go. Not daring to make a decision.
I have been waiting for something. Wishy washy, doing a little art here, a little art there, at times a lot of art. Committing to doing it in a way. Then going back and doubting myself. This way and that. Longing for confirmation. Am I? Am I not?
Waiting for someone to come and say:
“You are good enough. Go for it.”
And when that has happened, saving it like a nugget of gold in my heart. Then going on to the familiar habit of procrastinating, avoiding, doing something in spurts, making elaborate excuses.
Lamenting about day jobs and about how vulnerable the core is. Hiring coaches, doing inner work, joining selling networks. Always looking for the next solution, the next Holy Grail. Getting more and more bored and frustrated with always ending up in the same place. [Yes I am an artist. Not a lamp. I can make art.]
This brings to mind a girl, dancing with a guy, always looking over his shoulder at the rest of them. Is there someone better out there? Asking for approval. Second guessing. Herself, him, everything.
How many more rooms filled with paintings, drawings, sculptures, how much more money saved up, how many more guarantees before I make a choice? Before I say yes or no.
Why is this important? Commitment?
Because until we commit, the back door is always open. It’s okay to wimp out. It’s okay to move between falling in love and backing away far enough to be able to start all over. The relationship stays stuck in the first phase, never maturing to what it can be.
It’s like climbing the same mountain over and over again. Never getting quite back down to the ground, never reaching the top and the view. Talk about frustrating.
And I can’t wait to see what happens next. So.
Is there something in your life that is waiting for you to commit to it, waiting for your unwavering YES right now?