Tag Archives: marriage

Monday Starts with Love

Love-melt, by Marie D. Tiger in the thought book 2014.
Love-melt, by Marie D. Tiger in the thought book 2014.

 

Do you remember how it feels when you’re laughing wildly and at the same time you’re trying to run? Having been lost in love land, forgetting everything else and then coming back to everyday life and work feels a bit the same way.

Last week in Helsinki, the children had a week’s vacation. Our kids chose to spend most of their vacation at their grand parents and for the first time in seven years, the Engineer and I spent four days and nights together.

Although every day love has been good, I had forgotten how it feels when he looks at me like I’m the only one in the world.

Now, Monday feels like a very far away creature.

Wishing you a week seen through the lense of love.

The Emptiness Between Us

I’m so wearied,
fighting against your emptiness
my body rebels against
your body,
close without intimacy
keeping sleep at bay.
I talk until my throat is hoarse
and it does no good
no good
the intensity flares
making our faces burn.
I wish I had words for this
so we could destroy this pattern
that eats away
at my love for you
I don’t even dare to think
of your love for me right now.

Play Space

Play space, in thought book 2013, by Marie D. Tiger.
Play space, in thought book 2013, by Marie D. Tiger.

 

There is a play space available for all of us. It is where imagination, our senses, our impulses, intuitions and feelings come together in creative play, envisioning new things and art making.

This play space presents an opportunity, because it allows us to move beyond the personal, beyond good and bad, into a world that consists of different phenomena that can be combined in creative ways so they form something new.

We can learn to have access to this way of being in the world in any moment. In play space, anger isn’t something to take personally and be frightened or triggered by. Instead it is a powerful energy that can be used for movement and response. Mistakes become opportunities for exploration. Feelings become phenomena to be explored.

What color is your frustration? What form does your tiredness take? Where in your body does your vulnerability live? What kind of a movement does your yearning create in your elbows, how could it be expressed?

In this space questions like: How does it move, does it have a direction, what is the sound, how big is it, is it heavy or light, can you jump into it, does it expand – make sense. Good, bad, beautiful or ugly loose their meaning, because in the sensual world, things are what they are. They can be sensed, experienced, felt, explored, moved, combined, molded.

When you come out of the play space, it is time for harvesting, choosing what you take into your more or less rational every day life, and in which way.

Often, access to your own play space allows you to remain functional, present and able to create, respond, stay in contact in situations that would otherwise overwhelm you with their intensity.

Today, staying in my play space allowed me to clean the whole house with pure power of aggression, having been unable to sleep because of the Engineer’s snoring and some other things. It also allowed me to identify how difficult it is for me to relinquish control when I’m scared and living in a state of uncertainty.

I could dance with the hot sudsy water, making the dishes. Hold compassion for my inner control freak seeking relief by attacking stains with a wash cloth. Go lie on the bed on my belly, feet in the air and say: “I’m not angry, I’m scared.” Laugh when my son decided it was a good time to come tickle my feet. Move move move with the different phenomena in the life of one artist and her family.

Today I remember that what is important is the ability to feel, respond, love, receive, enjoy the experience of being on this nutty planet. The details will work themselves out, one by one. They always do.

What brings you to your play space today?

Big Dreams

Big dreams, thought book 2013, by MDT.
Big dreams, thought book 2013, by MDT.

 

I drew this fox when we were cloud gazing with my kids, on the way to the summer cottage. One cloud was a fox with wings. I remembered this drawing, watching this Ylvis video about what the fox says. Somehow this video brings to my mind the impetus and hope of Big Dreams, a power that has brought me through so much of my life.

When I watch this video, I see innocence, playfulness and exuberance. The willingness to go all out and be vulnerable at the same time. To do it well. Watching this video just makes me happy. I’m glad it went viral & wish that this blast of success is a good thing for Ylvis.

One of my biggest dreams ever was finding my soulmate. This week I and the Engineer celebrate fifteen years together. He brought this video to my attention and the spirit here reminds me of the grand creative partnership and love that we share. <3

Everyday Epic Love

Sometimes I just need to lean on you
quitely breathing your scent
to remember
You are here.
In the midst of cooking pasta, picking up
pet shop figurines, peeling carrots,
going through home work,
the warmth of you
has a special flavor of home.

Celebrating us
with expensive piña colada ice cream
that tastes
like snow and breathing
Is enough for now.
These fifteen minutes
allow me to revel in our love.
Strong and luminous.

Boundaries…

Boundaries, thought book, by MDT.
Boundaries, thought book, by MDT.

Old Patterns Arising

This summer, an old pattern between myself and the Engineer slapped us in the face, again. As a rule, I abhor fighting about the same thing more than a couple of times. I believe fights should lead to change, ideally and as swiftly as possible.

The pesky little sucker of overgiving had followed us for a long time though. I gave too much, he gave too much – we concentrated on what the other was doing, instead of taking responsibility of our own wellbeing and at some point got angry “for getting nothing back”.  Useless, useless fights of the kind that swirl around in Foggyland and lead nowhere, until they kind of die of their own, until next time.

 

Oh Man, Boundaries Again

In a moment of clarity I remembered the saying: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. For a longer time already, I had been butting heads with the concept of boundaries in both work settings and personal settings. It seemed that everyone was throwing the word around, but I for one was always aware of this sense of confusion during those discussions. Now it was clearly time to start understanding, so I googled “boundaries”. Here’s what Wikipedia said:

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him- or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits.

Yes, that was the definition that I had gotten until now [and implemented in my life]. But there was something missing here, so I read on.

Personal boundaries define you as an individual, outlining your likes and dislikes, and setting the distances you allow others to approach. They include physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries, involving beliefs, emotions, intuitions and self-esteem.

Here was something that made instant sense to me. I immediately started getting nauseous and flushed all over.  Until this time in my life, I’d used boundaries like I would use a paint by numbers model, tongue in cheek, not understanding what I was doing. My reaction to what I was reading, told me I had hit the jackpot of personal change and it was going to get uncomfortable soon.

 

Change

Back home, I informed the Engineer of my plan. Always the intuitive master of all things internal, he got it immediately and the practice began.

Sounds so easy and harmonious, doesn’t it?

 

Fear

The truth is, it was and is the most frightening interpersonal project I’ve ever done. The only thing keeping me from bolting, is the trust and love that has deepened over the years between us. Like many others, I am terrified of being abandoned. Down to my toes, bone grating, alone pressed under an avalanche in white silence petrified. So I have given everything that has been mine to give, been sweet, warm, understanding – to draw people closer and create the connection that keeps the feelings of abandonment away.

Understanding that makes me nauseous all over. There is also another thing that is true. Being alone with myself is not the same thing as being trapped under snow anymore. Being alone with myself is sweet and safe, these days.

Implementing Boundaries in Our Relationship

We have been on new ground, in our love. Staying inside of our boundary circles, as two separate people, has at times felt distant, cold and boring. It has also led to amazing communication, learning to know him as a new person, going out on half hour dates every day of the week, increased intimacy and hilariously – it has lead to a clean house.

When I am not constantly looking for ways to please him, keep him happy and nurtured, I have energy to go for a run, play with the kids, tidy up, eat well, cook beautiful fragrant food. What I do is not in any way tied to his stuff anymore. And vice versa. Both of us are nicer to be around and the need for alone time decreases dramatically. Not being emotionally tied up in his inner world (are you okay? what are you thinking? how are you feeling?) creates space to seek him out and want to spend time together.

How?

So what do I do, to become aware of my boundaries? Sometimes I fill in the drawing above. Who am I and who am I not, in this particular situation? I listen to signs of nausea, a foggy head, shallow breathing or irritation as pointers that I’m about to go over my boundaries. I say things out: “Would you give me a hug?” “Can we go on our date now?”, instead of expecting him to initiate or insinuating what I want. I slow down my reaction time to requests until I have a clear head and calm breathing, the answer always comes. I move physically every day.

This is what I love about inner phenomena, awareness and recoding the inner programming – even though the psychic work sucks and may be frightening, it leads to increased ease and to always being more of who we really are.

 

How are your boundaries doing? What’s easy? What’s difficult?

 

 

 

 

Creativity Connects

Creativity Connects, thought book 2013, by MDT.
Creativity Connects, thought book 2013, by MDT.

I was out on a working lunch with the Beloved Engineer I’m married to. We were both bouncing up and down on our seats, excitedly talking about our jobs, building concept-bridges and loving each other’s enthusiasm. I don’t know what the heck he’s talking about half the time, but I can understand the creative structures beneath his words, I get his energy, I connect with his passion for what he does. Love is like that and so is creativity.

From Freak to Beloved

You sweep away the ants
eating away at my skin
One at a time, when needs be
Inviting me into
our bubble of intimacy
From the heights of my rushing steed
of excitement

But it is me who is bucking
and throwing my head
Not wanting to stop
rushing.

You ride my tempestuous
feelings,
dig me out of the ant stack
awaken my connection
hold me when I weep with the enormity
of life and all its overwhelming sensations.
And throughout it all I feel
beautiful to you.
The journey from being the freak
and becoming the Loved One
has been a miracle to me.
I so love you.
Even when you draw me down from my high
so I can feel your skin again.

 

Tough Love

Busted Open, thought book 2013, MDT.
Busted Open, thought book 2013, MDT.

 

Sometimes life busts our hearts open, completely to pieces, so love can flow unobstructed again.

Under a Tree

Freedom Guy. From the thought book 2013, by Marie D. Tiger.
Freedom Guy. From the thought book 2013, by Marie D. Tiger.

 

We were talking about death and suicide

Like we often do
Crone to younger version
I said I want to die
underneath a tree, by peaceful choice,
after a life well-lived
She asked me:
Don’t you want to die
holding your beloved’s hand?
I thought about
tying you to my death.
The thought was and is
repulsive to me.
So I said:
No, I’ve always been comfortable alone.
That is how I still feel.
I want to choose your company
out of joy,
out of passion and desire
because seeing you plasters a big grin on my face
Not tie you
to my choices, preferences, whims.
I am comfortable in my own company.
And I love you.
The spaciousness
of our love
moves the deep rhythms of my heart, my loins, my life.
Each day we share,
a choice, born out of freedom.